Unofficial Tex Murphy

Hey ho everyone, Sowden here. I was reading the word association thread and I figured that I would try a experiment here.

Now heres the deal. I don't mean dirty jokes, everyone a ton of those. I'm talking about the bad, awful, throw things at people to shut up kind of jokes. I know that I have a few, so I figure that most everyone else has a few too. So the point of this thread is to exchange some jokes we might have never heard before, only so we can kill our friends off this board with them.

I'll start it off and give a example.

There were two muffins in an oven. One turned to the other and said "Ahhhhhhh! Its hot in here!" The other one said "Ahhhhhhh! A talking muffin!"

So there you have it. Since I have started it, I'll see how far this thread will go.

You guys are the greatest. Later.

Why did the koala jump out of a tree? It was shot.
Why did the second koala jump out of the tree? It was stapled to the other koala.
Why did the third koala jump out of the tree? Peer pressure.

-Cub. =o)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!

(Actually, I never analyzed that joke as a kid, but in recent years I've come to appreciate its comedic value.)

One more: A guy walked into a bar. It hurt.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What's big, red and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater

I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said 'I guess I'll have champagne'. I said guess again.

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve you strings here. He picks it up, ties it into a knot and throws it into the gravel road outside, where it is run over a few times by a cart. The string picks itself back up, walks right back into the bar. The bartender says didn't I just throw you out?! The string says "Frayed knot."

I also still have a a round wooden coin that says tuit on it. I give it to people whenever they say they'll do something when they get around to it.

A man is about to sit down to dinner. He hears his doorbell ring and goes over to answer it. He looks down and sees a snail. Angered, he picks the snail up and throws him out into the street.

A year later the same man is sitting down for dinner when he hears his doorbell. He walks over to the door and opens it. He looks down and sees a snail. The snail looks up at him and says, "Now what the hell did you do that for?!"

Three tomatoes are walking down the street, Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, so Papa Tomato goes back and squishes him. An' he says 'Catch up'

-Fred

(+5 points to the first person who comments correctly on what movie that's from)

Two peanuts walk into a bar; one was assaulted.

Why couldn't the cat drink its milk?

Cause its head was nailed to the floor.

Why did Joe fall off his skateboard?

Somebody threw a fridge at him.

Fred Buer wrote:Three tomatoes are walking down the street, Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, so Papa Tomato goes back and squishes him. An' he says 'Catch up'

-Fred

(+5 points to the first person who comments correctly on what movie that's from)

Pulp Fiction! Uma Thurman. That is actually one of my favorite parts of the movie. The whole interaction between Travolta and Uma. I laughed when she first told it.

A guy was walking through the desert and came across a gent holding a sandwich.

"Why are you carrying the sandwich?" he inquired to the man.
"Well, if I get really really hungry, I'll eat it.
He nodded, and they walked their seperate ways.

Only for the man to come across someone else further along in the desert, who was carrying a glass of water.
"Why are you carrying that water? he mused aloud to the woman.
"Well, if I get really, really thirsty I'll drink it."
"Well played of course," he replied, and they passed, moving on.

The gentleman trekked for another few miles and he came across a young man walking with a car door.
"Good sir, why are you carrying around a car door?"
The young man looked on him condensendingly.
"Well, if I get really, really hot, I'll roll down the window."

"Cue rimshot"

Three tomatoes are crossing the street:
1st: Truck!!!!
1st: Splorgh!!
2nd: Where???
2nd: Splorgh!!!
3rd: ARGH!!
3rd: Splorgh!!! (this must be told very fast, and without the "1st, 2nd, 3rd")
=========

- Ask me if I'm a tomatoe
- Are you a tomatoe?
- Yes, I am a tomatoe.
- ...
- Now ask me if I'm a potatoe
- Are you a potatoe?
- No, I am a tomatoe
(try this dialogue on someone, it generates a great deal of "wtf?" faces)
=========

Atomicvegetable wrote:Why couldn't the cat drink its milk?

Cause its head was nailed to the floor.

Why did Joe fall off his skateboard?

Somebody threw a fridge at him.

Oh goodie

Mom, I don't like my brother!

Ok, go straight to dessert.

-

Mom, mom! The boys at school say I have a big head!

Why don't you beat them up?

I can't, they run into the alleys.

-

Mom, I think daddy isn't breathing...

Shut up and keep diggin'!

-

Mom, can I have a bicycle?

Sorry, no, you have cancer.

-

Mom, why do I always run in circles?

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot.

===================

(jokes that don't make any sense at all)

A boy asks his mother for a bicycle, but she says no. He jumps out the window never to eat rice again.

A one arm man walks into a second hand store.

Left empty handed.

Well lets try my luck then

Little Johny comes home and asks "Mom what do u call it when u have two peaple sleeping on top of one another."

Mom goes "Ohh ehhh welll u are growing up now and when two grown up are lying on top of one another its called having sex Johny"

Johny runns out of the house and comes back about 45 Minets later and yels at Mom "No mom your so wrong its called bunk beds and billies mom want to have a talk with u"