The joke is actually #1 on my list of favorites. There's a tie for #2, since the jokes are so similar. It's an "audio" joke, so it may not work here, but here goes. . .Cubase wrote:ROTFLMAO!!GarySogar wrote:Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
That's gotta be one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard!
Kudos to you my friend... kudos!
-Cub. =o)
Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: Put him in the deep freeze overnight. In the morning, put him on the band saw. . . .rrrrrEEEEEEEERrrrrrrr, rrrrrEEEEEEEEErrrrrrr.
Well, does it work in print?
Never too late for coffee, never too early for beer.
Oh, and in reverse, it's How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You douse it in gasoline and throw a match at it - WHOOOOOFF!!
-Fred
You douse it in gasoline and throw a match at it - WHOOOOOFF!!
-Fred
Pirates, vampires, zombies, ninjas, ghouls, aliens, goblins, monsters, robots, sorcerers, undead, werewolves, demons, mutated dinosaur-cyborgs and those pesky phone salesmen! The shotgun is a one-size-fits-all solution!
Of course, this is the joke that ties for #2 on my list.Fred Buer wrote:Oh, and in reverse, it's How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You douse it in gasoline and throw a match at it - WHOOOOOFF!!
-Fred
I do believe that "what's brown and sticky" is now at #4.
Never too late for coffee, never too early for beer.
Excerpts from a Dog's diary
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a Cat's diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time......
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a Cat's diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time......
He he he, this is great. As much as I don't post, this is my first thread to reach 3 pages! And you guys got some great ones.
How do you stop a rhino from charging? Take away his credit card.
Later.
How do you stop a rhino from charging? Take away his credit card.
Later.
"If at first you don't succeed,
redefine sucess."
- Sowden
www.nineteenthstar.cjb.net
www.sowden.cjb.net
redefine sucess."
- Sowden
www.nineteenthstar.cjb.net
www.sowden.cjb.net
Ok Atom, this is clean jokes here...Atomicvegetable wrote:*snaps fingers*
The Aristocrats!
But speaking of Aristocrats, have you seen the documentary on it? Funny stuff.
"If at first you don't succeed,
redefine sucess."
- Sowden
www.nineteenthstar.cjb.net
www.sowden.cjb.net
redefine sucess."
- Sowden
www.nineteenthstar.cjb.net
www.sowden.cjb.net
1) Have I told you about my new "see food" diet? I see food and I eat it. (This joke is effective when verbal since the pun of "sea" and "see" is not visible as it was here)
2) I bumped into my friend the other day outside a butcher. He asked me to go into the butcher and get him some sausages. I went in, a few moments later, walked out limping. He asked what was wrong, I told him that I pulled a hammy.
3) Three men (an American, an Irishman and an Australian) were participating in a quiz. The question was as follows: in the children's song "Old McDonald", what did Old McDonald have? Please state what he had and spell it.
The American was the first to reply. He said "Old McDonald had a ranch - R.A.N.C.H"
Then the Australian answered "no no no no, Old McDonald had a property, P.R.O.P.E.R.T.Y"
Finally, the Irishman cut in saying, "You're both wrong, Old McDonald had a farm, E.I.E.I.O"
2) I bumped into my friend the other day outside a butcher. He asked me to go into the butcher and get him some sausages. I went in, a few moments later, walked out limping. He asked what was wrong, I told him that I pulled a hammy.
3) Three men (an American, an Irishman and an Australian) were participating in a quiz. The question was as follows: in the children's song "Old McDonald", what did Old McDonald have? Please state what he had and spell it.
The American was the first to reply. He said "Old McDonald had a ranch - R.A.N.C.H"
Then the Australian answered "no no no no, Old McDonald had a property, P.R.O.P.E.R.T.Y"
Finally, the Irishman cut in saying, "You're both wrong, Old McDonald had a farm, E.I.E.I.O"
