An everyday guy with a boring deskjob starts hearing a strange voice in his head: "Sell everything, go to Vegas".
The man at first blows it off, but soon is unable to as he hears it more frequently. "Sell everything, go to Vegas".
So he asks a coworker for advice, who tells him that maybe he should just do what the voice says and see what happens.
So he sells everything he owns, his car, his dog, his TV, his computer, and even his Tex Murphy games. After liquifying everything he has $43.000. He puts it all in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket and flies to Vegas.
After he gets off the plane, the voice says: "Go to the Palms Hotel and Casino". The man gets a cab and does as the voice says.
"Go to the roulette table". Now the man starts to get excited - maybe this will be the thing to turn everything around for him. He goes to the roulette table and awaits the next command.
"Put everything on 17. 17".
The man places the bet - the roulette wheel gets spun and the ball gets tossed.
~klicketi-klack-di-kluck-di-klitterklitterklitter~
The ball lands on 28.
Then, the voice goes: "F**K!!!"
The man at first blows it off, but soon is unable to as he hears it more frequently. "Sell everything, go to Vegas".
So he asks a coworker for advice, who tells him that maybe he should just do what the voice says and see what happens.
So he sells everything he owns, his car, his dog, his TV, his computer, and even his Tex Murphy games. After liquifying everything he has $43.000. He puts it all in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket and flies to Vegas.
After he gets off the plane, the voice says: "Go to the Palms Hotel and Casino". The man gets a cab and does as the voice says.
"Go to the roulette table". Now the man starts to get excited - maybe this will be the thing to turn everything around for him. He goes to the roulette table and awaits the next command.
"Put everything on 17. 17".
The man places the bet - the roulette wheel gets spun and the ball gets tossed.
~klicketi-klack-di-kluck-di-klitterklitterklitter~
The ball lands on 28.
Then, the voice goes: "F**K!!!"
"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do"
"ERROR: Error Code Does Not Indicate An Error"
"ERROR: Error Code Does Not Indicate An Error"
This is an old one.
Two missionaries, a norwegian and a swede, were in Kongo to spread the Word of God to the heathens. It didn't take long before they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. While the stew they were going in was being prepared, the tribe chieftain says to the two;
"If y'all don' wanna go inna stew, I's suggest y'all take heart that we has us a game we's likes to play wi' our food! If'n youse two kin run out inna jungle, an' bring back one hunnerd a one sorta berry, fruit or similar, an' come back here and put ALL one hunnerd one a dem up your butt widdout laughin', we's goan let youse go!"
The norwegian and the swede looked confused at eachother, but they decided that with their lives on the line, it was best to take them up on the offer and amuse the tribe rather than feed it. They were each given an escort, and set out into the jungle.
Later that evening, the norwegian returns with one hundred blueberries. He looks around sheepishly, pulls down his pants, and proceeds to insert the berries where the sun doesn't shine, counting as he does so.
"One, two, three, four..."
The tribe is laughing and snickering at him, but the norwegian keeps a straight face and thinks about how it's his life at stake here. He MUST keep a straight face.
"Seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one..."
Sweating now with the prospect of freedom from being eaten and the ability to go home so close at hand, he looks behind the villagers and sees some rustling in the bushes.
"Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety..."
He stops. Unable to contain himself he laughs himself silly, he laughs so hard the blueberries come back for a second time, he laughs so hard that the tribe of cannibals actually stop smiling! The chieftain runs over to the norwegian missionary and asks him; "You were so CLOSE!! What is wrong with you!?"
Unable to answer him, the norwegian can only point behind the villagers. And there, coming out from the jungle is the swede and his escort, lugging one hundred pineapples.
-Fred
(Yes - norwegians and swedes have a way of poking fun at eachother like this, there's tons of similar stuff about in Sweden I'm sure)
Two missionaries, a norwegian and a swede, were in Kongo to spread the Word of God to the heathens. It didn't take long before they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. While the stew they were going in was being prepared, the tribe chieftain says to the two;
"If y'all don' wanna go inna stew, I's suggest y'all take heart that we has us a game we's likes to play wi' our food! If'n youse two kin run out inna jungle, an' bring back one hunnerd a one sorta berry, fruit or similar, an' come back here and put ALL one hunnerd one a dem up your butt widdout laughin', we's goan let youse go!"
The norwegian and the swede looked confused at eachother, but they decided that with their lives on the line, it was best to take them up on the offer and amuse the tribe rather than feed it. They were each given an escort, and set out into the jungle.
Later that evening, the norwegian returns with one hundred blueberries. He looks around sheepishly, pulls down his pants, and proceeds to insert the berries where the sun doesn't shine, counting as he does so.
"One, two, three, four..."
The tribe is laughing and snickering at him, but the norwegian keeps a straight face and thinks about how it's his life at stake here. He MUST keep a straight face.
"Seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one..."
Sweating now with the prospect of freedom from being eaten and the ability to go home so close at hand, he looks behind the villagers and sees some rustling in the bushes.
"Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety..."
He stops. Unable to contain himself he laughs himself silly, he laughs so hard the blueberries come back for a second time, he laughs so hard that the tribe of cannibals actually stop smiling! The chieftain runs over to the norwegian missionary and asks him; "You were so CLOSE!! What is wrong with you!?"
Unable to answer him, the norwegian can only point behind the villagers. And there, coming out from the jungle is the swede and his escort, lugging one hundred pineapples.
-Fred
(Yes - norwegians and swedes have a way of poking fun at eachother like this, there's tons of similar stuff about in Sweden I'm sure)
Pirates, vampires, zombies, ninjas, ghouls, aliens, goblins, monsters, robots, sorcerers, undead, werewolves, demons, mutated dinosaur-cyborgs and those pesky phone salesmen! The shotgun is a one-size-fits-all solution!
DrPaul wrote:A priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"
That's my kind of joke!~ Member: Tex Murphy's Mutant League, Crazy 888's Chapter~
*Revitalizing Old San Francisco's Chandler Avenue District With Style*
(also known as Steve Douglas, but usually by people less awesome than UTMers)
*Revitalizing Old San Francisco's Chandler Avenue District With Style*
(also known as Steve Douglas, but usually by people less awesome than UTMers)
Why would anyone in their right mind sleep outside, standing up, cuddling a rose? I hope you de-thorned it first.
~ Member: Tex Murphy's Mutant League, Crazy 888's Chapter~
*Revitalizing Old San Francisco's Chandler Avenue District With Style*
(also known as Steve Douglas, but usually by people less awesome than UTMers)
*Revitalizing Old San Francisco's Chandler Avenue District With Style*
(also known as Steve Douglas, but usually by people less awesome than UTMers)
Here's two for ya:
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his
wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours
left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
and TWO:
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
-Cub. =o)
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his
wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours
left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
and TWO:
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
-Cub. =o)
A priest was waiting behind a pilot to enter the pearly gates. St Peter walks up to the pilot with open arms.
"Hello my friend! We have been expecting you!" exclaims St. Peter.
"Allow me to introduce you to Janice here. She will lead you to your 4 story mansion. Please, if there's anything either Janice or myself could do to make your stay any more comfortable, do not hesitate to ask. I hope you enjoy all the wonders eternal bliss has to offer".
Janice led the pilot away with a huge smile on his face.
The priest was flabbergasted! He thought to himself, "Wow! If a pilot is treated with such reverence in Heaven, imagine what lays in wait for me, one who has dedicated his life to teaching the messages of the lord."
The priest happily approached St. Peter's podium. St. Peter looked up from his book.
"Oh it's you", said St. Peter nonchalantly.
"Here's your key. Your apartment is in the south quadrant. You'll have to catch the cloud train. It should only take a few transfers. The address and number is on the key. Have a nice afterlife"
"Wait a minute!", exclaimed the priest.
"I don't understand. The man before me was only a pilot and you treated him like royalty. Why am i, a priest being treated like a second class citizen?"
"Ah, allow me to explain it to you my son. While you, the priest were performing your job, everyone was falling asleep. While the pilot was performing his, everyone was praying."
"Hello my friend! We have been expecting you!" exclaims St. Peter.
"Allow me to introduce you to Janice here. She will lead you to your 4 story mansion. Please, if there's anything either Janice or myself could do to make your stay any more comfortable, do not hesitate to ask. I hope you enjoy all the wonders eternal bliss has to offer".
Janice led the pilot away with a huge smile on his face.
The priest was flabbergasted! He thought to himself, "Wow! If a pilot is treated with such reverence in Heaven, imagine what lays in wait for me, one who has dedicated his life to teaching the messages of the lord."
The priest happily approached St. Peter's podium. St. Peter looked up from his book.
"Oh it's you", said St. Peter nonchalantly.
"Here's your key. Your apartment is in the south quadrant. You'll have to catch the cloud train. It should only take a few transfers. The address and number is on the key. Have a nice afterlife"
"Wait a minute!", exclaimed the priest.
"I don't understand. The man before me was only a pilot and you treated him like royalty. Why am i, a priest being treated like a second class citizen?"
"Ah, allow me to explain it to you my son. While you, the priest were performing your job, everyone was falling asleep. While the pilot was performing his, everyone was praying."
I gots a webcomic! http://yetanothercomic.com