---

After BFG mentioned having a musical number in Project Fedora I got to thinking. They have made Broadway musicals out of less promising material. Why not "Tex, the Musical!"?

---

Sung to "Second-hand Rose"

Second-hand Rook

Rook he has a business, strictly second hand,
In old San Francisco, by Chelsee’s newsstand.
Goods of all description, sit there in Rook’s store,
Everything from earrings, to rare books of lore.
In his ways old Rook is firmly set,
A grizzled graying old World War III vet.

He’s selling second-hand hats, second-hand books,
That's why they call him- Second-hand Rook.
On your poodle’s diamond-studded collar,
Rook will loan you ten cents on the dollar.

That’s were he stays, just selling used stuff all day,
He never deals in anything that's new.
Even when he’s dining there at Louie’s for lunch,
He’s eating food that Louie first had dished up for brunch!
He’s not a schnook, he’s only Second-hand Rook.
On Chandler Avenue! On Chandler Avenue!
New?

---

Sung to "I'm Getting Married in the Morning"

Clint's Song

I’m craving chocolate in the morning,
I’m craving chocolate, it’s a crime.
Some will eat salad,
I find that invalid,
Cause I want chocolate all the time.

I’ve got to eat it in the morning,
I’ve got to eat it every time.
Some eat strawberry,
And others like cherry,
But I want chocolate all the time.

When I have chocolate, I just want more.
When there’s no chocolate, I just get sore.

For I’m craving chocolate in the morning,
I’m craving chocolate, it’s a crime.
I know I’m unfit,
I just have to have it,
So give me chocolate now!
Give me chocolate now!
For Gawd’s sake give me chocolate every time!

---

Chelsee’s Song
(Sung to "Maria")

Tex Murphy,
I know a PI named Tex Murphy,
One time he saved the earth,
He’s not paid what he’s worth, you see.

Tex Murphy,
I know a PI named Tex Murphy,
He’s somewhat short of dash,
And rarely has much cash, you see.

Tex Murphy,
On a case he is often bumbling,
When he dances its much more like stumbling.

Tex Murphy,
I might love this guy named Tex Murphy.

---

Food! Brew & Stew Food!
(Sung to the tune of "Food, Glorious Food!)

Food, Brew & Stew food!
Fried taters and fresh swill,
If you're in the mood,
Brains fresh off the hot grill,
Louie makes the best hot rolls,
Dripping with brown butter.
His cooking just tops the polls,
In Old ‘Frisco!

Food, Brew & Stew food!
Hot five alarm chili,
Rat roasted or stewed,
The food is not frilly.
Pork bellies to dream about,
And then for dessert,
Ripe mangoes and candied trout would not hurt.

Food, Brew & Stew food!
You really should try it.
Three specials each day,
Can’t stay on our diet.
Just picture a mound of tripe, fried, roasted or stewed!
Oh, food, Brew & Stew food, Louie’s great food, really fine food, lip smacking food, our favorite food!
Brew & Stew Food!

---

Tex’s Song
(sung to tune of "Once in Love with Amy")

Once in love with Chelsee, always in love with Chelsee,
Always, forever, fascinated by her, lit my heart on fire to stay.

Just one kiss from Chelsee, it would be bliss with Chelsee,
Ply her with bourbon, Louie’s food, and flowers, think about her through the long day.

Once I was quite the fickle-hearted rover so carefree and bold,
But Sylvia and Regan worked me over and left me cold.

But once in love with Chelsee, always in love with Chelsee,
Ever and always sweetly I'll romance her, but I have this question you see,
Could Chelsee ever fall in love with me?

---

The Fuchsia Flamingo
(Sung to "Hernando's Hideaway")

I know the perfect place for us,
A place where no one makes a fuss.
Run by mutant name of Gus.
It's called the Fuchsia Flamingo! Oh no!

The lights are low, the drinks are tall,
There Luscious Luci gives her all!
The place to be in Old ‘Frisco!
It is the Fuchsia Flamingo! Oh no!

:::Instrumental:::

Any other place you go where the norm’s are at night.

:::Instrumental:::

They'll shun our mutant selves and treat us like a fright.

:::Instrumental:::

But when we go to the place that I am speaking of
We will be free, yes just to be, and think of love.

We ring three times and show our card, that’s all we do it isn’t hard.
The night is young no tales of woe, when in the Fuchsia Flamingo! Oh no!

:::Instrumental:::

I know the perfect place for us,
A place where no one makes a fuss.
Run by mutant name of Gus.
It's called the Fuchsia Flamingo! Oh no!

---

Staying at the Ritz
(Sung to Puttin' on the Ritz")

If you're broke and you can’t pay,
When life’s a joke, then you can stay,
With misfits.
Staying at the Ritz

When it’s sad, when it’s a bust,
If it’s all bad, then you can just,
Call it quits.
Staying at the Ritz

Nilo, like a living walking blooper,
Cleans up after drunks lying in a stupor.
Pooper-scooper !

If each blow amid your strifes,
All is woe and when your life’s,
On the fritz.
Staying at the Ritz

---

The Sweetheart of Chandler Ave
(sung to "The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi")

Now the world’s gone wrong, as ever it could,
And our lives have been filled with woe.
And we yearn for the girl we hoped to love,
Way back thirty year’s ago.

Now life’s a sore dystopian bore,
Won’t get better, least that’s now it seems,
We mourn the days of our long past youth,
That time that has just turned to dreams.

The girl of our dreams works down on the street,
There we visit her newsstand.
It’s where we think how things might have been,
Had our lives gone as planned.

The gleam in her eyes and the sheen of her hair,
Are to our broken souls a salve.

Oh the street light beams,
On the girl of our dreams,
She's the Sweetheart of Chandler Ave.

---

---

George, I appreciated your humor over at the KS comment section -- so glad to see your comedic genius around these parts!

---

The Bad Guys’ Lament

(Sung to “Suddenly Seymour”)

We plan great schemes,
Think through every detail,
Review every option,
So thinks don’t come unstuck.
We do things right, careful and clever.
Determined to win, leave nothing to luck!

Somehow Tex Murphy then shows up and thwarts us!
How does he do that? It drives us insane!
Somehow Tex Murphy is there to contort us!
Beats understanding,
Murphy’s our bane!

Who’d think that Murphy, had all that in him?
Murphy’s a lightweight,
Not a smart man.
How does he do it? You know it is just like,
He had a walkthru,
Of our whole plan.

Somehow Tex Murphy, shows up when it’s crucial!
He gets past our guards and,
He gets past our droids.
Somehow Tex Murphy, then makes us all rueful,
And when he does it,
We get annoyed!

Somehow Tex Murphy.
He overcomes us.
Somehow Tex Murphy.
We’re fit to be tied!
There must be some way,
To stop him from winning,
No other solution,
Murphy must die!!

---

Fax-simile

(sung to the tune of “Herod’s Song”)

Murphy, you’ve been really stumped in solving your new case.
You've been running here and there, all over the place.
Fiendish puzzles, driving you quite mad,
So now you think you’re really stuck,
But wait, its not that bad-

‘Cause, you have a fax. Yes, you have a fresh fax!
Read it now it’s full of clues, better than listening to the news,
And when you are through, then you’ll know what to do!
You’ve got nothing to lose!

Murphy, you just won't believe the data you can find,
You can get a slew of hints and facts of every kind.
Go get out there, fight for all you’re worth,
Then, we know that you will stop the crooks and save the earth!

‘Cause, you have a fax. Yes, you have a fresh fax!
Fax machine’s a wondrous tool; faxing stuff is really cool.
Soon as they press the “Send”, then you’re nearing the end.
Go on, tap those gumshoes.

[Instrumental during which Tex does a happy dance]

You only need the same, as any super sleuth,
That one thing that cleverly will point you to truth.
While you’re waiting, to get on with the plan,
You can take a break and read that junk mail they should ban.

‘Cause, you have a fax. Yes, you have a fresh fax!
Cartoons, joke sheets, evil taunts, advertisements for restaurants,
Those things come your way, empty your paper tray.
“Don’t call”, this really flaunts.

Well! It’s great you have a fax.
Yes, you have a fresh fax.
It’s no joke. You're in the know.
You can get on with the show.
Go on your way.
You’ve got to save the day!
C’mon Tex Murphy,
C’mon Tex Murphy,
Oh go on you great Tex Murphy!

---

Tex’s Other Lament

(Sung to “A Policeman’s Lot”)

When a fellow only wants some small employment,
Looking all through old Rook’s back yard and trash can,
He really does not get any enjoyment,
When he stumbles on some evil master plan.

From unpaid jobs against great odds one should run,
But investigative duties must be done,
So upon consideration I’ll tell you son,
A detective’s life is not a happy one.

When investigative duties must be done, must be done,
A detective’s life is not a happy one.

When investigating, sometimes you get beaten,
You get kidnapped, or you’re buried deep in slime,
Or you’re mickey-finned by some thing you have eaten,
That’s what happens when you get too close to crime.

Every detective whose worked long has his concerns,
That the moment that he turns ‘round he’ll get stunned.
Chasing after a suspect, he’ll take a wrong turn,
And be facing down the barrel of a gun.

When you’re facing down the barrel of a gun, of a gun,
A detective’s life is not a happy one.

When you mess up and your efforts just make things worse,
When you fail to see the good in Eddie Ching,
When instead of doing right you do the inverse,
When you nearly once with Regan had a fling.

When the rule book makes you break the bonds fraternal,
And those you should embrace, instead you shun,
Like when you betrayed your old friend the Colonel,
Then you’ve got to face up to wrong things you’ve done.

When you’ve got to face up to wrong things you’ve done, that you’ve done,
A detective’s life is not a happy one.

---

Dystopia

(sung to “Aquarius”)

Oh the world is now a fearful place,
The hopes we had, were dashed by war!
The past, lost in the bombing,
We’ll mourn forever more!

Now we are living in a time of dystopia,
A time of dystopia.
Dystopia!
Dystopia!

Half the world, now lies in rubble,
In our future, just more trouble.
Norms and mutants fear each other.
Radiation life does smother.
All will end in revolution,
If we can find no solution.
Dystopia!
Dystopia!

Is it over for the human race?
Will the insects, rule all the earth?
Can ways, be found to right things?
Can we then find rebirth?

Now we are living in a time of dystopia,
A time of dystopia.
Dystopia!
Dystopia!